The Secret Blog of Patrick “Patos” Manning

More scenes from yesterday’s Commonwealth Day service at Westminster Abbey. Have to say I’m terribly impressed with HRH Elizabeth II’s knowledge of traditional Carnival characters.

Had to give His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales a piece of my mind during yesterday’s Commonwealth Day service at Westminster Abbey for expressing his renowned anti-modern architecture views in relation to my the National Academy for the Performing Arts in Port of Spain, which, in spite of what you might read in this preposterous report by the Arts Coalition of Trinidad and Tobago, is the greatest building the country has ever seen.

Mealtime at a Commonwealth heads of government event is never pretty. You’d swear some of these characters have only recently learned to eat with knife and fork, and I’m not talking just about the South Asian and Sub-Saharan African delegates. For instance, it’s well known in Commonwealth heads circles that the person you never want sitting across the table from you is Gordon Brown, who, in addition to having the table manners of a warahoon, insists of having a serving of haggis with every single meal. Experienced heads like me know that the thing to do is arrive at the dining room well ahead of time and choose the smallest table possible, which also limits your chances of having to sit near a type like Jacob Zuma.

But even an experienced head like me sometimes oversleeps. Thanks to a combination of jetlag, a not completely guilt-free conscience and a nightmare featuring a horrifying creature with the upper body of Calder Hart and the hindquarters of the Rev Apostle Juliana Peña, I didn’t manage to roll out of bed this morning until well after 8am BST. Hazel was already awake, talking on the phone in hushed tones. She said that she too had lost track of time and planned to skip breakfusses, which didn’t quite explain why she was already fully dressed, nor the general whiff of bacon and sausages about her person. I considered ordering room service, but in heads circles not showing up for a meal when you’re embroiled in a scandal is tantamount to an admission of guilt. Even Mugabe was still eating among us till the bitter end, much to everyone’s chagrin.

By the time I made it down to the dining room all the “good” tables were already taken, of course. Jagdeo was brown-nosing as usual with the rich-country heads, trying to sell them pieces of rainforest. New kid on the block Paul Kagame was holding court at one of the larger tables, regaling his rapt audience with stories about his time as Don Cheadle’s dialect coach for “Hotel Rwanda” and being studiously ignored by Sarkozy, gate-crashing his second Commonwealth event in the space of six months. A gang of heads known for playing practical jokes was trying to convince Museveni to accompany them that night to an establishment that even I could figure out was a gay bar (let’s just say the patrons of The Sphincter Room are in for a real treat tonight).

That left only the table where Gordon Brown was seated, fortunately not alone. Brown waved me over.

“Ah Patterick, come join us,” said Brown, indicating the table’s sole empty seat with his fork, which, naturally, bore a ragged morsel of haggis on the end. I sat, noticing that there was a place card on the plate bearing my name.

“You’re acquainted with everyone at the table, aren’t you?” said Brown.

“Of course I am, Gordon. Didn’t I just host you all in Trinidad for CHOGM?”

Guffaws all around, not that I’d meant it as a joke. Though to be honest, while most of the faces at the table looked familiar, I couldn’t put names to all of them, and the ones whose names I could recall, I couldn’t pronounce, including that of the fella in the voluminous African robe who’d left his minibar bill at the Hilton unpaid. I made a mental note to raise the matter with him, or else Ali Khan was never going to stop harassing me.

“Patterick, the members of this table thought you would be a useful addition to our group. We’ve been discussing post-political career strategies and practical methodologies for dealing with impeachment. We intend to continue the conversation via a Google Group that our friend from [name of country I can't pronounce] has just set up.”

I looked around the table. Indeed, all of the people sitting around it were either on the verge of voluntarily relinquishing office (e.g. whatshisname across the table from me), likely to lose an election (e.g. Gordon Brown), likely to be forced out of office because of improper conduct (e.g. the two characters to my right) or on the brink of being overthrown by a military junta (e.g. the individual sitting opposite to Gordon Brown).

“There must be some mistake,” I said. “What could a sitting, likely-to-be-reelected Prime Minister with two robust years left in his term of office possibly have to offer to such an assemblage?”

“Now, now, Patrick,” said the minibar thief, “even though Internet penetration in my country is only 0.00003 per cent, we still can access Twitter, you know.”

More guffaws. In fact, there was way too much guffawing at this table for my liking.

“At least I pay my minibar bill,” I said.

The table fell silent as all eyes turned to the minibar thief, who pretended to take a deep interest in the folds in his robe, which, fortunately for him, were plentiful.

“Shame on you,” said Gordon Brown.

“Yes, shame on you!” said the others.

“But as minibars are an evil strategy employed by hotels to gouge the client with overpriced snacks and beverages,” said Gordon, “we forgive you. But prrrromise me, my friend, that henceforth, you will travel with a supply of snacks purchased at regular retail prices—or wholesale, if you have access to such—in a ziploc bag.”

The minibar thief gave a sheepish nod.

“Who wishes to moderate a thread on the Google Group about strategies to bypass minibars?” said the guy who was about to be overthrown by the military junta.

“I’ll do it!” said the character under investigation for improper conduct.

“How will you do it,” said a fella who had served out the maximum number of terms allowed under the laws of his country (and whose efforts to amend the country’s constitution had failed), “when Internet penetration in your country is only .00004 percent?”

“Are you saying we can’t participate just because we’re poor?” said Improper Conduct, rising from his seat and raising his fists.

“You mean your country is poor,” said Gordon Brown, also rising from his seat. “It’s a well known fact that you, personally, are very wealthy and that governance in your country is in a trrrravesty!”

“Aha!” said Improper Conduct. “So it’s true what they say about your uncontrollable temper tantrums!”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen, please calm down!” said Future Overthrown Head.

A massive brouhaha ensued, and I took the opportunity to slip out of my seat unnoticed and make for the exit.

Something tells me Commonwealth Day 2010 is going to have to go ahead without me.

• That @#!^&ing @robmugabe promised that all the copies of that issue of the Zimbabwe Herald would be destroyed! Last time I trust that guy. #
• Easier for whom? RT @twilightfairy: things wd b easier if ppl were aware RT @sanjukta: basic legal rights & laws shd b taught in school #
• @sanjukta But what about for (fake) politicians/heads of state like me? in reply to sanjukta #
• Someone just accused me of invading the infant in the image's personal space. Do babies even have personal space? http://bit.ly/cCDT6k #
• RT @anthonycbis: RT @cnewslive UDeCOTT Chmn. Calder Hart resigns effective immediately. He's also resigned frm ALL state boards #
• @eddieanne (U meant to put a comma between "know" and "Patos", right?) Of course I knew. Just wanted allyuh to see it in black and white. in reply to eddieanne #
• Hope nobody discovers I just blogged about the Calder Hart affair… http://bit.ly/9Gdg7K #trinidad #
• Would the idiot who vandalised my Wikipedia page please correct it now! http://twitpic.com/171tbu #
• @therealjovan You think it's funny?? Just wait till *you* become a corrupt head of state! in reply to therealjovan #
• Fellow C'wealth head of gov't just asked me what I planned on doing "after the impeachment"! #

One of the things I hate about cell phone roaming is the lack of caller ID. When Rev Apostle Juliana Peña travels with me I don’t have to worry, of course. She always knows in advance who’s calling, as any good seerwoman should. And usually she knows what the caller’s calling about as well. “Dat is Hazel,” JP would say. “She just find out a certain female member of cabinet accompany us on this trip. You probably doan want to answer that.”

The one person whose calls JP was never able to detect, however, were Calder Hart’s. Somehow the man’s Voldemort-like aura is invisible to La Peña’s powerful prophetess radar. “Try harder!” I’d say, urging her on as the phone rang and rang and the veins in her temples popped out with the effort. “Ah tryin’, Patos!” she’d say, her fists to her forehead and her eyes screwed up in pain, “ah tryin’!”

So I suppose that even if Juliana P hadn’t been in hiding and were here with me at the Dorchester, occupying the usual adjoining suite, she would not have been able to shield me from the call.

“Hello?”

“Patos! Where the hell are you?”

“Oh—it’s you. What do you want?”

“What the fuck do you think I want? I want all of this shit to go away, is what I want.”

“What shit?”

“Like you don’t know, eh? Those assholes at UDECOTT fired me!”

“Fired? I thought you’d resigned.”

“Cut the bullshit, Patos. When you brought me here you promised me full banana republic-style immunity for anything I did. You said you’d protect me. And now there’s a rumour going around town that you’re in London en route to Zimbabwe to seek asylum from Mugabe. Talk is that’s the vision your prophetess took to Mugabe back in 2005 when she visited Zimbabwe as your “special envoy“: “In the year 2010 I foresee Patos’ ass is going to be grass, so you’ll need to grant him asylum.” I want to believe the rumour’s false, but if I’m not mistaken, that sounds a whole lot like EastEnders in the background.”

Damn my addiction to British soaps! Juliana P warned me I’d get in trouble one day because of it.

“Er, I’m watching it on iPlayer.”

“Then in that case, why don’t you come up to my house and help me pack? Plus I’ve got an envelope of stuff to hand over to you. You know, some photos and the like.”

My heart skipped a beat. I’d forgotten about those photos. I ran through the list of cronies I could call upon to go over to Hart’s house, lock his neck and grab the stash. There was only one person I knew who could pull off something like that. But did I want to go there—again?

“Patos? You still there?”

“Of course I’m still here.”

“I know you’re in London, you know. No need to pretend. How times have changed, eh? In the old days you barely made a move without calling on Uncle Calder for advice.”

“And a lot of good that advice did me! Remember: ‘Patos, it’s only $30 million. Nobody’s gonna miss it. And if they do, tell them it’s to build a church and everybody will say it’s okay, because Trinis loooove their churches.’ And what about: ‘Patos, you know who I think would loooove to meet your prophetess? Benny Hinn!’ Look where that got me.”

“Whoa, Patos. Calm down, buddy. How’s about we make us a deal?”

“Between you and me, Calder, I’ve had enough of your deals.”

“Photos, Patos, pho-tos. And I should add that the Swiss bank account number I gave you is false. In fact, it isn’t even Swiss.”

“Argh! OK. Let me hear about this deal.”

“The deal is simple: you get us both aslyum. Or should that be “asyla”?”

Israel Khan was right. Hart was unintelligent. But the man knew how to play hardball.

“OK, it’s a deal. Or at least I’ll try. You know Mugabe—the man is more of a snake than Panday and Ramnath put together.”

“C’mon, Patos, you know you and Mugabe are buddies. Anyways, keep me posted. I’m not sure yet exactly where we’re headed, but it’ll be on Facebook.”

• I don't think I like what this article says about the "'father of the nation' syndrome" http://bit.ly/brtVIv (via @georgiap) #

• Ppl who consider my trip to DR w/ my pacemaker/bad kidney self an asinine move don't know I used to be in scouts http://bit.ly/4pb1GX #Haiti #
• @izatrini Actually it wasn't scouts, it was cadets. in reply to izatrini #

• When I first heard about the Small Arms Survey I thought it had something to do with Gary Hunt's and Colm Imbert's limbs. #trinidad #
• @madchinee Have you ever seen either of the aforementioned gentlemen? in reply to madchinee #
• @therealjovan You're not supposed to pound headphones, you're supposed to put them on your ears! in reply to therealjovan #
• @De_real_dwears This tune sounds interesting. Where can I hear it?? in reply to De_real_dwears #
• @anthonycbis Bas is on Twitter (@basdeopanday) but hasn't tweeted in a while. He must be busy with other things. in reply to anthonycbis #
• @eddieanne I don't do pretty mas. I'm playing fancy sailor. My headpiece is a model of NAPA, complete w/ dancing fountains! in reply to eddieanne #

• First she flies BA, now she's using public transport! May have to take symbolic ride in a red-band maxi soon… http://bit.ly/8iKApd #
• All the more reason to fly private http://bit.ly/8SF7RC #

• @nplaughlin – @georgiap is right. Alice Yard should leave the retail business to Syrians and Indians http://bit.ly/4p7owf in reply to nplaughlin #
• @SanMan_ish Is that what passes for luxury apts in Chaguanas?? Looks more like a cheap motel to me. in reply to SanMan_ish #
• Xmas shopping in Copenhagen. Got Danish butter cookies for most, except Imbert & Gary Hunt who get first editions of Andersen's "Thumbelina" #

• Suffering from post-Summit withdrawal. Thinking of throwing a costume party where guests come dressed as foreign dignitaries. #
• @therealjovan Will do it if you promise to charter a Liat aircraft and pretend it's Air Force One. in reply to therealjovan #
• There are many days when I wish I were Obama, but today isn't one of them. #
• RT @georgiap: So confused abt mixed signals re: breathalyser laws that I'm unable to drive in a straight line http://bit.ly/4H5PXw #trinidad #
• Now Imbert is saying breathalyser testing begins on Christmas Eve. Need to make sure my chauffeur's available that night. #trinidad #

• Itching to ask the Queen what it's like to fly on a commercial airline instead of a private jet, like moi. #chogm #
• @blahblohblog I sure was. Check 'em out – http://twitpic.com/r6ika in reply to blahblohblog #
• Prince Philip's inner thoughts on landing in T&T? #chogm http://twitpic.com/r6kwq #
• My cup runneth over http://www.trinidadexpress.com/shared/images/2009/11/29/n1.jpg #
• Frankly, I'm more excited about the oppty to buy Danish butter cookies at a discount than climate talks http://bit.ly/5KSGBo #

• @afrobella @gwto Express & TMZ are so lame. I wrote about this ages ago & still had time to open a performing arts ctr http://bit.ly/3fjjAr in reply to afrobella #
• @hassanvoyeau What if that stranger was a terrorist seeking to use his online presence for evil? #

• A performing (white) elephant? Interesting idea. RT @nplaughlin: Trinidad & Tobago: Will The Perf Arts Centre Perform?: http://bit.ly/4stNso #
• @nplaughlin You implying that gov't ministers pad medical bills, submit fake ones & undergo unnecessary medical procedures at gov't expense? in reply to nplaughlin #
• Thank God I have a chauffeur! RT @TrinbagoNews: Breathalyser law targeting drivers finally takes effect on Monday
  http://tinyurl.com/yamxxet #
• For once and for all, the group is called "Divine *Echoes*", not "Divine *Egos*"! #
• Today is Friday the 13th. So that explains it. #

• Maybe they 'fraid me? RT @nplaughlin: Why doesn't TnT Times name its editors or proprietors on the site?: http://tnttimes.com/golive/ #
• @judettepuglisi @nplaughlin is right! Obviously these people have something to hide. Like most journalists in this country, I should add. in reply to nplaughlin #
• @georgiap I'm wondering whether anybody has questioned Rowley about these homicides. It's just a hop, skip & a jump from bullying to murder. in reply to georgiap #
• @anilroberts I know recycling is the way forward, but still rather saddened that your first tweet to me wasn't sth you composed yourself. in reply to anilroberts #
• @blahblohblog Unfortunately the T&T dailies are run by people both more unscrupulous & more wealthy than Patos. I 'fraid I lose. in reply to blahblohblog #
• Preparing for tomorrow's meeting with @basdeopanday. First order of business: lock the liquor cabinet, and tight. #
• @georgiap This could be arranged, you know. As they say, ALL publicity is good. http://bit.ly/2QLjzx in reply to georgiap #
• @izatrini I don't mind packing. But it's different when you travel on a private jet. in reply to izatrini #
• @tillahwillah The security guard there is a cousin of a cousin of somebody that used to work at the diplomatic centre. What you need? in reply to tillahwillah #
• Not in the mood to tweet today. #
• Not naming names, but some of my Twitter and Facebook friends really need to get a life. #
• OK. So I'm having a bad day. You would too if you were as under-appreciated as I am. #
• @blahblohblog I would, but Twitter only has room for 140 characters. in reply to blahblohblog #
• @rachelrampersad People need to stop trying to live beyond their means. Not everybody needs a life like mine, or a flag like Gary Hunt's. in reply to rachelrampersad #
• @anniepaul Thanks for giving me yet another reason to mistrust Hindus. in reply to anniepaul #
• My latest blog post: "Sex, lies and none of your damn business" http://bit.ly/3fjjAr #