The Secret Blog of Patrick “Patos” Manning

• Betcha Mahmoud Ahmadinejad regrets not having followed the advice I offered back in '07 http://bit.ly/XX5f5 #iranelection #

• @basantam Max has been neutered? In what sense? For a neutered individual he's still acting rather own-way. #trinidad in reply to basantam #
• Feeling like I could do a Max Richards and dash off to an undisclosed location on an extended vacation. #
• @blahblohblog Actually I was thinking of the Spice Isle. Tillman says I'm always welcome at his crib. in reply to blahblohblog #
• @blahblohblog I'm sure Tilly said he had a pool! On the other hand, I think he might have been talking about Grand Etang… in reply to blahblohblog #
• @blahblohblog Great! I <3 cocotea! in reply to blahblohblog #
• @blahblohblog Practically every item of foodstuff my constituents ever gave me has been of the "sweat" variety, so I consider myself immune. #
• @blahblohblog, you'll have to explain to @therealjovan how one "sweats" something. Obviously not sth they do in Bdos. in reply to therealjovan #
• @blahblohblog That must've happened while I was helping cook up story abt the AG's resignation being due to a conflict of interest re CLICO in reply to blahblohblog #
• @therealjovan Acc to survey done by my office, Trinis *like* standing in line in hot sun outside embassies. If it ain't broken, skipper… in reply to therealjovan #
• @therealjovan Have you tried changing your accent? I find that for some people the glottal stop is a turn-off. in reply to therealjovan #
• Acc 2 survey done by my office, Trinis enjoy standing in hot sun outside embassies. Which is why we're not part of this http://bit.ly/mP8C5 #
• @therealjovan Just sayin', skipper. I myself love a Bajan accent—have always thought ppl from other nations over-enunciate their consonants! in reply to therealjovan #
• @therealjovan Would certainly help solve the problem of inbreeding common among the political class…. in reply to therealjovan #
• @therealjovan You don't find Thompson looks inbred? in reply to therealjovan #
• Any dream interpreters out there? Dreamt last night that I was bitten in the a** by a man named Cleaver Woods. What does this mean? #
• @Tacarigua According to your info page you live in Toronto. You don't qualify as a real Trini any more. And I don't mean that in a bad way. in reply to Tacarigua #
• Wow, the quotes in this article make me sound like an arrogant ass. Tell me honestly: do I really sound like that? http://bit.ly/15M3QQ #
• @therealjovan If you have to ask a question like that on Twitter, might I suggest you begin by getting a life, so to speak? in reply to therealjovan #
• @rumagin I swear I was quoted out of context! No way I sound like that much of an ass! in reply to rumagin #
• Only one comment on my latest blog post. So I guess it's true that Trinis aren't interested in visiting Europe, eh? http://bit.ly/17XQ6Z #
• @guttaperk That's an interesting question. Normally I pay people to say "yes"…. in reply to guttaperk #
• Here's Max Richards trying to embarrass me by hobnobbing with Indians http://bit.ly/nyWYc #
• @therealjovan I know the feeling. Of having an impotent cabinet, that is, not of being impotent myself. in reply to therealjovan #
• @blahblohblog Thanks for the endorsement! And next time anyone crosses me I'm going to tell them to "Read my archives!" in reply to blahblohblog #
• @SanMan_ish How did you know I was planning to call Twitter Local Gov Elections?? People, submit your slate of candidates today! #ttlocalgov in reply to SanMan_ish #
• @blahblohblog Brilliant! The Internet-era version of "talk to the hand". Only problem is I'm deathly afraid of needles. in reply to blahblohblog #
• Cutlass, cutlass, cutlass, cutlass! Try and stop me from saying it, nah! Cutlass, cutlass, cutlass, cutlass, cutlass! #
• Hey, what's that thing in my navel! #
• @tillahwillah Is that some kind of sick joke in the form of a rhetorical question, or are you really wondering what will happen tomorrow???? in reply to tillahwillah #
• @blahblohblog Some heads of state enterprises have been reporting same. Sure you haven't received any kickbacks or bribe money lately? in reply to blahblohblog #
• @blahblohblog Didn't mean from yr PM—gov'ts not the ones w/ the $. Have u had any dealings with multinat'l co tendering for project in Gda? in reply to blahblohblog #
• @izatrini @keith_in_tnt @Tacarigua Not to worry—when T&T launches its Green Dam programme Trinis won't even be able to access those sites! in reply to izatrini #
• Calder Hart is pals w/ the maker of "Green Dam Youth Escort" so we'll soon follow China's lead in protecting our youth! http://bit.ly/s6MTy #
• @SanMan_ish Actually it sounds better when you say it. Wanna become the Jon Favreau to my Obama? Call me. in reply to SanMan_ish #
• I take it there's some kind of football match on. Who's playing? #
• @SanMan_ish By digits you mean phone #, right? Because today a smelter activist threatened to cut off my digits w/ a cutlass. in reply to SanMan_ish #
• @SanMan_ish Gasp! in reply to SanMan_ish #
• Jack: "I had to stand on a particular spot for a period of time where they monitored me." Probably a good general rule http://bit.ly/Zj2I0 #

To all you anti-smelter jumbies and others who criticise me for alleged dictatorial behaviour, here’s your chance to participate in the so-called decision-making process. Today I received the following e-mail from Obama:

Dear Patos,

As you will no doubt know if you have been following the stories in the international press, the US government is in the process of closing the Guantánamo Bay detention camp in Cuba. We are, however, having difficulty in re-locating some of the detainees, and are looking for countries willing to take them in. I was wondering if Trinidad and Tobago would oblige. With your skyrocketing crime rate, I doubt a couple more miscreants would make a difference, and you wouldn’t have to do much: just let them loose in a slum somewhere, perhaps the one behind that wall we passed on the way from the airport to the Fifth Summit venue. Judging from the psychological profiles of the ones we have available, all these poor fellows want in life is to reconnect with their sense of humanity, stop having those nightmares about being waterboarded, find a home, join a good mosque, start a family, and settle down and lead an honest life in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Qur’an (substitute appropriate sacred text for non-Muslims). Judging from the warm reception I received from some of your women, notably Ms. Gopee-Scoon, I doubt a former Gitmo detainee should have any trouble starting a family in your country.

Naturally, I don’t expect you to do this out of the goodness of your heart. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. In a manner of speaking, of course.

Attached is a list of the Gitmo detainees we have available for re-location, categorized according to probable guilt, threat level, whether tortured or not, mental health, race, religion and dietary preference. The probably-not-enemy-combatant, non-threatening, non-waterboarded, non-dysfunctional, non-Arab, Christian omnivores are going fast, however, so I’d advise you to not to hesitate in making your choice.

Looking forward to hearing from you. My very best regards to Hazel.

Yours truly,
BHO

I originally consulted the Minister of National Security on the matter, but his most innovative idea had to do with sending the detainees to live in Sobo Village and hoping they die of smelter-related illnesses within a few years. So I’m opening this one to you, my dear friends. Participatory government is alive and well in Trinidad and Tobago! Help me choose a Gitmo detainee! Or four!

Should we grab some Chinese separatists, like Bermuda? Or would that get us into trouble with our Chinese friends and bring the local construction industry to its knees? And if any of you know any women we can fix these fellas up with, please leave a note in the comments section.

• @blahblohblog Some heads of state enterprises have been reporting same. Sure you haven’t received any kickbacks or bribe money lately? in reply to blahblohblog #
• @blahblohblog Didn’t mean from yr PM—gov’ts not the ones w/ the $. Have u had any dealings with multinat’l co tendering for project in Gda? in reply to blahblohblog #
• @izatrini @keith_in_tnt @Tacarigua Not to worry—when T&T launches its Green Dam programme Trinis won’t even be able to access those sites! in reply to izatrini #
• Calder Hart is pals w/ the maker of “Green Dam Youth Escort” so we’ll soon follow China’s lead in protecting our youth! http://bit.ly/s6MTy #
• @SanMan_ish Actually it sounds better when you say it. Wanna become the Jon Favreau to my Obama? Call me. in reply to SanMan_ish #
• I take it there’s some kind of football match on. Who’s playing? #
• @SanMan_ish By digits you mean phone #, right? Because today a smelter activist threatened to cut off my digits w/ a cutlass. in reply to SanMan_ish #
• @SanMan_ish Gasp! in reply to SanMan_ish #

• Hey, what’s that thing in my navel! #
• @tillahwillah Is that some kind of sick joke in the form of a rhetorical question, or are you really wondering what will happen tomorrow???? in reply to tillahwillah #

• @blahblohblog Thanks for the endorsement! And next time anyone crosses me I’m going to tell them to “Read my archives!” in reply to blahblohblog #
• @SanMan_ish How did you know I was planning to call Twitter Local Gov Elections?? People, submit your slate of candidates today! #ttlocalgov in reply to SanMan_ish #
• @blahblohblog Brilliant! The Internet-era version of “talk to the hand”. Only problem is I’m deathly afraid of needles. in reply to blahblohblog #
• Cutlass, cutlass, cutlass, cutlass! Try and stop me from saying it, nah! Cutlass, cutlass, cutlass, cutlass, cutlass! #

• @blahblohblog Thanks for the endorsement! And next time anyone crosses me I’m going to tell them to “Read my archives!” in reply to blahblohblog #
• @SanMan_ish How did you know I was planning to call Twitter Local Gov Elections?? People, submit your slate of candidates today! #ttlocalgov in reply to SanMan_ish #
• @blahblohblog Brilliant! The Internet-era version of “talk to the hand”. Only problem is I’m deathly afraid of needles. in reply to blahblohblog #
• Cutlass, cutlass, cutlass, cutlass! Try and stop me from saying it, nah! Cutlass, cutlass, cutlass, cutlass, cutlass! #

• @therealjovan I know the feeling. Of having an impotent cabinet, that is, not of being impotent myself. in reply to therealjovan #

• Here’s Max Richards trying to embarrass me by hobnobbing with Indians http://bit.ly/nyWYc #

A few people have e-mailed me with regard to an article that appeared today on a blog called Bajan Dream Diary. The article linked to a document which states that

Today took place the ceremony of the signature of six agreements on a short-stay visa waiver between the European Union and, respectively, Antigua and Barbuda, the Bahamas, Barbados, Mauritius, Saint Kitts and Nevis and the Seychelles, in the EU Council premises in Brussels….

The new visa regime provides for visa-free travel for EU citizens when travelling to the  territory of Antigua and Barbuda, the Bahamas, Barbados, Mauritius, Saint Kitts and Nevis and the Seychelles and for citizens of these six countries when travelling to the EU, for a period of stay not exceeding three months during a six-month period. 

The people who e-mailed were wondering why Trinidad and Tobago wasn’t part of the group of countries seeking the EU visa waiver. As one person put it: “how come the compatriots of Little Nut and the Bird political dynasty can visit Europe without a visa, and the compatriots of Abu Bakr can’t?!” I’ll confess I had to Google “Little Nut” (am I the only one who didn’t know that St. Kitts had gangsters of that calibre?), but I take the individual’s point—it’s not like the criteria for being part of that delegation could have included a pristine record on crime and corruption. 

So, for the record, here are the reasons Trinidad and Tobago was not part of that delegation:

1. As Trinbagonians appear to enjoy waiting in large groups in the hot sun for hours to gain entry to places like Carnival judging points and being manhandled by NCC officials, we assumed they also enjoy standing in long lines in the hot sun for hours outside embassies and consulates and being manhandled by security guards and consular officers

 

2. The only reason Trinbagonians travel is to shop, preferably in air-conditioned malls. Europe has relatively few malls, and practically no air-conditioning

 

3. Europe is full of old buildings and history, and Trinbagonians—unless they happen to belong to the French Creole minority—detest old buildings (though they don’t mind new buildings masquerading as old buildings—e.g. Jenny Sharma’s house in St. Clair). They consider them useless colonial relics and obstacles to the country’s steady progress towards developed-country status. As for history, the average Trini can barely remember what happened last week, let alone hundreds of years ago, which is why George Maxwell Richards may well remain President of this country for some time to come.

 

4. Europeans eat weird foods. The average Trinbagonian would go hungry in Europe when confronted with some of the strange things the natives eat (e.g. snails, horse, fish roe and pigeon), the rareness of their meats, the strength of their coffee and the pungency of their cheeses, not to mention the complete absence of pelau from menus everywhere. Even the KFC in Europe tastes different.

 

5. Trinbagonian men have difficulty figuring out European women. Given the choice between a normal woman and an Eastern European hooker, the Trini man will make a beeline for the hooker, who will inveigle him into committing acts that jeopardise his coveted job as, say, a chauffeur for a royal family. This is the sort of publicity we can do without.

• Hillary Clinton hearts the Trinidad Hilton http://bit.ly/C4YRD #
• @basantam Huh? What’s “political cire”? If it’s playing right into my hands I need to know. in reply to basantam #
• @georgiap They’re unclickable bcz article on page portrays me in a positive light, which probably messed up the code. Lovin’ London, btw! in reply to georgiap #
• I am in London, where people like me. So there. http://bit.ly/1GwWRZ #
• @gwto Ha — like I’d be asinine enough to reveal that I’m staying at the Dorchester. in reply to gwto #
• @gwto Yikes! Pretend you never saw that one http://twitter.com/patrickmanning/status/1861550000 in reply to gwto #
• @gwto On the other hand, exactly what kind of, er, damage, did you have in mind? in reply to gwto #
• @gwto Well if it involves a crowbar, then by all means, come on down! (Bring some lube, tho. I think there’s a Boot’s just around the cor.) in reply to gwto #
• @gwto In which case, maybe I’ll come to you. You sound interesting. Address? in reply to gwto #
• @blahblohblog No swine flu, but man in Heathrow did call me a swine. Disgruntled Trinis do get around. in reply to blahblohblog #
• @gwto – @blahblahblog is right: you can’t play sailor & ‘fraid powder. Found your address in the big, fat dossier we have on you. Soon come! in reply to gwto #
• @blahblohblog @gwto All I’m seeking is a l’il fun. London’s a big city & all the ppl I know here are already embroiled in political scandals in reply to blahblohblog #
• @blahblohblog @gwto e.g I was supposed to lime w/ Michael Martin but he bailed on me. And I even said I’d pay for drinks http://bit.ly/iLyKL #
• @blahblohblog Part abt “lavish ceremony in POS” is true. But have you seen the CCJ bldg? Located in bad part of town & painted sickly pink. in reply to blahblohblog #
• @therealjovan Because the *building* is in T’dad I’m supposed to get on board? Lots of brothels here too—should I be joining those as well? in reply to therealjovan #
• @therealjovan Mine isn’t very smart either. But you haven’t answered my question: should I be visiting brothels? in reply to therealjovan #
• @blahblohblog @therealjovan Explains why I slept so well last night. Feel so much safer here in London. Maybe I’ll seek asylum in UK. in reply to blahblohblog #
• @izatrini What do you mean by “before it too late”??? in reply to izatrini #
• @izatrini OK—I’m now officially confused. What and where are these lines of which you speak??? What do you know that I don’t??? in reply to izatrini #
• @guttaperk Trini in Heathrow did precede the word “swine” with an adjective, though not “fluent”. It did begin with the same letter, however in reply to guttaperk #

• @SanMan_ish I suppose that’s what I get for not blogging frequently enough — imitators with bad taste! in reply to SanMan_ish #
• @sherwinraavi is right, @haydndunn — support your local celebrities! in reply to sherwinraavi #

• My dear friends, I’m sorry I’ve been so scarce. Been busy touring future white elephants http://bit.ly/ojCmJ #

• In which Raffique Shah refers to yours truly as an ‘internet “blogger”‘ http://bit.ly/5Zt33 #
• @SanMan_ish I heard that. in reply to SanMan_ish #
• @theroyaltyclub Er, I guess the Soca Warriors aren’t in the running, are they? in reply to theroyaltyclub #
• @TrinbagoNews OMG! But what do experts know anyway?! in reply to TrinbagoNews #
• @gwto I put my Blackberry in the washing machine by mistake, but if I get a replacement by tomorrow I’ll do my best. in reply to gwto #
• Even I am confused by the overpass directions. Good thing I have a driver. #trinidad #
• What’s everyone doing for Int’l Workers Day tomorrow? Nothing, I hope. http://tinyurl.com/5jxxae #
• T&T journalists, as you observe World Press Freedom Day on May 3, hope you remember how good allyuh have it down here http://twurl.nl/afmbt6 #

• For me “my dear friends” is an affirmation of sorts. By repeating it ad nauseum I’m hoping that one day I’ll actually have some #fifthsummit #
• Just when I thought I had my man crush on Obama all sorted out, in comes this http://twurl.nl/4d577w #fifthsummit #sota09 #
• @tandmark Yeah, what was that all about?? Now I’m regretting not doing part of my address in Hindi or Laventillian #fifthsummit #sota09 in reply to tandmark #
• @jovanreid Offered to show Obama my surgery scar as proof of Cuban medical prowess, but his security detail stopped me #fifthsummit #sota09 in reply to jovanreid #
• Hope the T&T public is taking note of the good things these world leaders are saying about me and plan to follow suit! #fifthsummit #sota09 #
• Awaiting word from Obama’s staff re: whether he can stay an extra day so he can attend my corn soup lime @ the mansion #fifthsummit #sota09 #
• @SanMan_ish What in the world would make you think I’m condescending, little fella? #fifthsummit #sota09 in reply to SanMan_ish #
• @Zestytrinigyal That was a mistake, actually. I mean to say corn *bisque* #fifthsummit #sota09 in reply to Zestytrinigyal #
• @jovanreid @ArielRuff I am real but I possess many imaginary dear friends in reply to jovanreid #
• @theroyaltyclub Exactly—trying to balance commitments to the journos w/ commitments to you, my dear Twitter friends in reply to theroyaltyclub #
• @NnekaSoyini Rather rich of you to criticise me while calling them Hos! in reply to NnekaSoyini #
• @ArielRuff The imaginary friends I’m referring to aren’t the leaders. I’m talking about Larry and Joey, who live under the mansion stairs. in reply to ArielRuff #
• Must run, dear friends! Air Force 1 leaves soon and I’ll die if I don’t get to fondle Obama once more before he splits #fifthsummit #sota09 #
• Oops, did I say *fondle* Obama? I mean shake his hand. #fifthsummit #sota09 #
• @Choonks Will try & sneak in a fondle/handshake just for u. Glad POS looking good on CNN. Just don’t read this crap http://bit.ly/gaUDZ in reply to Choonks #
• Will people think I’m gay if I put this image on my computer desktop? http://bit.ly/18nSvG #fifthsummit #sota09 #
• @SanMan_ish To be honest, I’m confused as well. Guess that will teach me to push in front of everybody else in order to be first to sign. in reply to SanMan_ish #
• @SanMan_ish You have a point. Esp as there is a link bet biofuels & doubles. Ever sat in a closed room w/ ppl who’ve eaten lots of channa? in reply to SanMan_ish #
• It’s been over 30 hours since Barack left Trinidad and he still hasn’t called. Should I be worried? #
• @triniwebdiva Awww, you’re making me blush so hard my dimples hurt. in reply to triniwebdiva #
• @SanMan_ish I’ll have you know I have signed up for therapy in order to excise the “my dear friends” tic from my oratory. in reply to SanMan_ish #
• Dialed the # Obama gave me for his pvt line but got the L Street branch of Domino’s Pizza. Any of you other world leaders have that problem? #
• @blahblohblog It could have been worse—it could have been a KFC. in reply to blahblohblog #
• @josanneleonard Was it tonight that I was on The Big Story? It’s all a blur. in reply to josanneleonard #
• Having hosted the Summit, I realise I may also have arrived at the summit of my political ambitions. #
• @blahblohblog I hear you. That’s the same reason I put “Fake” before my name. in reply to blahblohblog #
• @triniwebdiva Yeah, but between now and then I’ll have to run this godforsaken country. in reply to triniwebdiva #
• @Didara Sure I do, but is there life after the Summit? in reply to Didara #
• @triniwebdiva Indeed. I’m bracing for the arrival of the medical bills from Cuba. Guess it’s true there no such thing as a free almuerzo in reply to triniwebdiva #
• Gift-wrapped box of manure just delivered to my office. Probably an Earth Day present, right? #
• @Tacarigua @blahblohblog As leadr of the most luxurious (Fidel’s words, not mine) nation in CARICOM, I’ll have to ask you 2 to call a truce. in reply to Tacarigua #
• @jefjams Wonder no more. in reply to jefjams #
• @jilliancyork Maybe you’re just lactose intolerant. in reply to jilliancyork #
• @blahblohblog Remember the phrase “Can’t we all just get along?” Rodney King stole that from me! And my unpopularity mystifies me as well. in reply to blahblohblog #
• @jilliancyork After hosting a summit of world leaders one learns a trick or two. in reply to jilliancyork #
• Brian Lara “impressed with Obama’s personality”. . . and probably wondering how he could develop one http://bit.ly/CyUg0 #
• @theroyaltyclub Don’t hold yr breath—after the Beetham wall fiasco we’ve learnt what ingrates you ppl r. Plus Obama’s not coming 4 the CHOGM in reply to theroyaltyclub #
• @jovanreid Guess you didn’t see this tweet http://twitter.com/patrickmanning/status/1585024343 Not a whole lot, as it turns out. in reply to jovanreid #
• @theroyaltyclub I, too, was under the impression that BO and I were BFFs. Guess you didn’t see my tweet from yesterday http://bit.ly/hTR01 in reply to theroyaltyclub #
• Some of my idle FB friends trying to think of Trini patois words with 4 syllables. So far we have “macafouchette” & “cunumunu”. Suggestions? #
• @blahblohblog Yes, that’s three. Also probably explains some of your more off-the-wall tweets. in reply to blahblohblog #
• @Didara Is that really patois, rather than simply onomatopoeic? in reply to Didara #
• @izatrini I’d say A and B. Yesterday I’d have added C, but then this happened http://twitter.com/patrickmanning/status/1577773217 in reply to izatrini #
• My personal assistant just told me he plans on reducing his carbon footprint by cutting off his toes #earthday #
• @jovanreid Would you pls share a list of the Jamaicans you’re following? in reply to jovanreid #
• @blahblohblog Well good for you. Rum is so much better for your health. in reply to blahblohblog #