The Secret Blog of Patrick “Patos” Manning

When I arrived home for lunch today I found several large packages in the living room, among them a massive hamper from Ken Valley containing a selection of jams, pepper sauces, home-made wines and a bottle of liquid with a root floating in it that a member of our household staff identified as bois bandé, plus several knick-knacks that had gone missing from the Prime Minister’s residence over the years. The other packages were offerings from various other victims of the secret poll, including a gallon bottle of pacro water from Eudine Job-Davis, a pair of leather rasta slippers (wrong size) from Fitzgerald Hinds, and a lock of greying hair from Eddie Hart. I told Hazel to send everything over to the Forensic Lab for testing prior to returning them to their senders.

And rumour has it that Valley isn’t the only one to commission his own poll, though most of the others are reportedly conducting theirs using Facebook widgets like “Top Friends” and “Superlatives”.