The Secret Blog of Patrick “Patos” Manning

Say what you want about Cuba, but there are far worse places for a head of state to seek refuge from his chaos-filled, crime-ridden nation and his rapidly disintegrating political party (not that yours truly fits either bill, of course). Besides, don’t I owe this country’s fine ocular surgeons big-time for transforming me from a Steve Urkel lookalike into the dashingly handsome figure gracing the latest PNM ads?

This morning I had consultations with both the eye people and the team of cardiologists who fitted me with a pacemaker some years back. The eye specialists assure me that the flaps of skin that have begun to grow on the outer edge of each eye are nothing to worry about. “¿Ya cómo se llaman esas cosas que llevan los caballos?*” one of the doctors asked another. “¿Anteojeras?” the other doctor answered. And they both laughed, which I always take to be a good sign.

The cardiologists said that they detected a slight but not unusual hardening of the walls of both my left and right ventricles, and perhaps those of the two atria as well. Upon hearing this both Valley and Rowley, who had insisted on accompanying me on both visits, covered their mouths with their hands and snickered like schoolboys.

The opening of the T&T Trade Facilitation Office yesterday evening went very smoothly, although the rumours that Fidel would make an appearance turned out to be false. Raúl Castro attended, however, and was far less gruff and charmless than the reports had led me to believe. But the true revelation of the evening was Ken Valley, who gave an eloquent speech about trade relations between T&T and Cuba in fluent Spanish! Joan Yuille-Wiliams told me he’s been receiving “private tutoring” from “a Colombian woman”, but wouldn’t say more.

After the reception and dinner, both Rowley and Valley said they were tired and went up to their rooms. I know they were lying, as I saw them wink at each other as they walked off, but who wants to lime with types like that any way. Hazel and Joan Yuille-Williams announced that they were heading off to the Varadero Jazz Festival, but had only managed to get two tickets.

So Patos ended up spending the evening alone in la Habana, sitting on his balcony, looking out over the Malécon towards the vast and lonely seas beyond.

*“What do you call those things that horses wear again?”

Tags: trinidad and tobago, cuba, patrick manning, keith rowley, ken valley, caribbean, politics, satire