The Secret Blog of Patrick “Patos” Manning

Hard to believe I haven’t written a word here in 10 days. Ten rotten days, I might add. I’d grown somewhat accustomed to using this space as a refuge of sorts, but lately my online life has proven to be almost as tumultuous as the offline version.

First there was that business of the broken computer. We solved this by buying Hazel her own laptop, on which she can now correspond with former Nigerian magnates and watch YouTube videos to her heart’s content. I also bought her a pair of Bose noise-cancelling headphones: there are just so many times a grown man can stand listening to “Dick in a Box“.

Just as I was settling down to enjoy exclusive use of the PM’s PC, however, I started receiving these mysterious and disturbing e-mails from a Google Group for overthrown dictators. At first I thought it was another prank from Valley, who’s been even more pissed off with me since he overheard me the other day at Balisier House describing him as “Ken “Wolfowitz” Valley”. But the Google Group material was of a higher order than the Photoshopped nonsense (my head on Robert Mugabe’s and Kim Jong-Il’s bodies, me with a Hitler moustache etc) Valley has been sending me.

First of all, the concerns being expressed in the messages sounded like those of genuine former dictators. There were several asking for advice on how to un-freeze Swiss bank accounts, a good deal of whining about the hardship of living with only five servants, skin care tips from Manuel Noreiga, the usual Castro death rumours and one thread started by Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier moaning about his wife Michèle Bennett’s running off with a Lebanese arms dealer. The latter seems to have struck a real chord among the ex-dictator community, as it appears that most of the wives waste no time in taking off once their despotic husbands fall from grace. The night after reading Duvalier’s message and the 205 responses from members of the community, I had a nightmare (?) about Hazel leaving me for a Lebanese arms dealer with the face of John Rahael, and woke up in a cold sweat that may have been due either to agony, ecstasy or the alarming sight of Rahael’s hairy back.

The next day I was about to unsubscribe from the Google Group, then figured I’d lurk a little while longer, as while much of the stuff these characters discuss is completely inane (Imelda Marcos trying to recruit investors for a Payless Shoe Source franchise in Manila); often grotesque (certain ex-strongmen who shall remain nameless asking whether anyone knows of a web site where they can purchase the blood of virgins); and occasionally hard to believe (the late Eric Gairy offering land for sale in L’Anse Aux Épines, Grenada), there’s also a fair amount of practical information being shared that I figure could come in handy one day. For instance, Jean Kambanda (former Prime Minister of Rwanda) has been leading a discussion on methods of dividing and conquering that I’ve been finding quite absorbing, and I understand that Chávez drops in from time to time and spills the beans about all manner of things energy-related.

But perhaps the best reason for remaining on the list is that Panday is now on it as well, along with somebody called Kcaj Renraw who claims to be the former leader of a small fiefdom (fifadom?) in the Balkans.