The Secret Blog of Patrick “Patos” Manning

Clearing my desk this evening, I found a copy of the note I wrote to Nelson Mandela just prior to the visit to South Africa by those two scamps:

Dear Nelson,

Let me begin by apologising again for that disastrous event we held in your honour at the Queen’s Park Oval when you visited in 2004 (though it wasn’t our fault that it rained – next time visit in the dry season). But at least you acheived on that trip what you had set out to do: namely, to seal South Africa’s bid to host the World Cup in 2010.

Speaking of that bid, you will certainly recall that during your Caribbean sojourn, at the CONCACAF Congress in Grenada, you dealt with an individual named Austin “Jack” Warner. He was the one whose name was marked on the fat, sealed envelope Thabo Mbeki gave you to deliver–the same envelope Thabo told you contained promotional brochures (which just happened to be the same shape and size as South African rands), but which he advised you nevertheless to conceal in a secret compartment in your suitcase.

Rumour has it that you will soon be receiving another visit from Mr. Warner, this time on your home turf. More than likely he will have in tow an emaciated, silver-haired Indian with a crazed look on his face and probably sporting a red beret. Here is how I suggest you deal with the situation:

1) When they contact you, agree to see them (Warner is a tenacious character, and the Indian is insane, so even if you don’t, they’ll probably show up on your doorstep anyway).

2) Ask Thabo or one of your politician friends to recommend a venue, preferably a place that can easily be (or is already) wiretapped.

3) Provide snacks, but don’t serve any alcohol. The Indian has a serious drinking problem and has been known to behave very badly while under the inflence–on second thought, if the place is equipped for video, please serve alcohol.

4) Some topics to discuss during the visit: how well the South African preparations for 2010 are coming along, how proud the two visitors must be that a Trini shared this year’s Nobel Peace Prize with Al Gore, the Springboks, Mickela Panday’s dual citizenship. Topics to avoid: the upcoming election in Trinidad and Tobago, my performance as Prime Minister, the country’s draft constitution. And if either of them refers to me as a dictator or a despot, don’t take it seriously. It’s just a little joke that’s been circulating around here this election season. You know how we Trinis love our jokes.

5) If they offer you a free vacation in Trinidad before November 5, or a large sum of money in return for a written or recorded message about racial unity or endorsement of an entity called the UNC Alliance, decline the offer politely. This is their way of conning you into aligning yourself with their excuse for a political party in the upcoming election and making a pappyshow of you. Suggested reasons for declining: failing health, laryngitis, carpal tunnel syndrome, fact that last time you visited Trinidad your first wife died (fear of this happening to Winnie).

6) As you’re seeing them to the door, mention casually that you consider Andrew Jennings to be a fine investigative journalist. (Have a bucket of cold water handy to pour over Jack).

7) Send me the audio and video recordings immediately (will e-mail you my Fedex account number).

Follow these guidelines, Nelson, and you should emerge from this encounter with your reputation intact. Hazel and I send our best to Graça.

Yours faithfully,
Patrick