The Secret Blog of Patrick “Patos” Manning

A few people have e-mailed me with regard to an article that appeared today on a blog called Bajan Dream Diary. The article linked to a document which states that

Today took place the ceremony of the signature of six agreements on a short-stay visa waiver between the European Union and, respectively, Antigua and Barbuda, the Bahamas, Barbados, Mauritius, Saint Kitts and Nevis and the Seychelles, in the EU Council premises in Brussels….

The new visa regime provides for visa-free travel for EU citizens when travelling to the  territory of Antigua and Barbuda, the Bahamas, Barbados, Mauritius, Saint Kitts and Nevis and the Seychelles and for citizens of these six countries when travelling to the EU, for a period of stay not exceeding three months during a six-month period. 

The people who e-mailed were wondering why Trinidad and Tobago wasn’t part of the group of countries seeking the EU visa waiver. As one person put it: “how come the compatriots of Little Nut and the Bird political dynasty can visit Europe without a visa, and the compatriots of Abu Bakr can’t?!” I’ll confess I had to Google “Little Nut” (am I the only one who didn’t know that St. Kitts had gangsters of that calibre?), but I take the individual’s point—it’s not like the criteria for being part of that delegation could have included a pristine record on crime and corruption. 

So, for the record, here are the reasons Trinidad and Tobago was not part of that delegation:

1. As Trinbagonians appear to enjoy waiting in large groups in the hot sun for hours to gain entry to places like Carnival judging points and being manhandled by NCC officials, we assumed they also enjoy standing in long lines in the hot sun for hours outside embassies and consulates and being manhandled by security guards and consular officers

 

2. The only reason Trinbagonians travel is to shop, preferably in air-conditioned malls. Europe has relatively few malls, and practically no air-conditioning

 

3. Europe is full of old buildings and history, and Trinbagonians—unless they happen to belong to the French Creole minority—detest old buildings (though they don’t mind new buildings masquerading as old buildings—e.g. Jenny Sharma’s house in St. Clair). They consider them useless colonial relics and obstacles to the country’s steady progress towards developed-country status. As for history, the average Trini can barely remember what happened last week, let alone hundreds of years ago, which is why George Maxwell Richards may well remain President of this country for some time to come.

 

4. Europeans eat weird foods. The average Trinbagonian would go hungry in Europe when confronted with some of the strange things the natives eat (e.g. snails, horse, fish roe and pigeon), the rareness of their meats, the strength of their coffee and the pungency of their cheeses, not to mention the complete absence of pelau from menus everywhere. Even the KFC in Europe tastes different.

 

5. Trinbagonian men have difficulty figuring out European women. Given the choice between a normal woman and an Eastern European hooker, the Trini man will make a beeline for the hooker, who will inveigle him into committing acts that jeopardise his coveted job as, say, a chauffeur for a royal family. This is the sort of publicity we can do without.