The Secret Blog of Patrick “Patos” Manning

To all you anti-smelter jumbies and others who criticise me for alleged dictatorial behaviour, here’s your chance to participate in the so-called decision-making process. Today I received the following e-mail from Obama:

Dear Patos,

As you will no doubt know if you have been following the stories in the international press, the US government is in the process of closing the Guantánamo Bay detention camp in Cuba. We are, however, having difficulty in re-locating some of the detainees, and are looking for countries willing to take them in. I was wondering if Trinidad and Tobago would oblige. With your skyrocketing crime rate, I doubt a couple more miscreants would make a difference, and you wouldn’t have to do much: just let them loose in a slum somewhere, perhaps the one behind that wall we passed on the way from the airport to the Fifth Summit venue.

Judging from the psychological profiles of the ones we have available, all these poor fellows want in life is to reconnect with their sense of humanity, stop having those nightmares about being waterboarded, find a home, join a good mosque, start a family, and settle down and lead an honest life in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Qur’an (substitute appropriate sacred text for non-Muslims). Judging from the warm reception I received from some of your women, notably Ms. Gopee-Scoon, I doubt a former Gitmo detainee should have any trouble starting a family in your country.

Naturally, I don’t expect you to do this out of the goodness of your heart. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. In a manner of speaking, of course.

Attached is a list of the Gitmo detainees we have available for re-location, categorized according to probable guilt, threat level, whether tortured or not, mental health, race, religion and dietary preference. The probably-not-enemy-combatant, non-threatening, non-waterboarded, non-dysfunctional, non-Arab, Christian omnivores are going fast, however, so I’d advise you to not to hesitate in making your choice.

Looking forward to hearing from you. My very best regards to Hazel.

Yours truly,
BHO

I originally consulted the Minister of National Security on the matter, but his most innovative idea had to do with sending the detainees to live in Sobo Village and hoping they die of smelter-related illnesses within a few years. So I’m opening this one to you, my dear friends. Participatory government is alive and well in Trinidad and Tobago! Help me choose a Gitmo detainee! Or four!

Should we grab some Chinese separatists, like Bermuda? Or would that get us into trouble with our Chinese friends and bring the local construction industry to its knees? And if any of you know any women we can fix these fellas up with, please leave a note in the comments section.