The Secret Blog of Patrick “Patos” Manning

Whoever thought they’d see the day that Patos would turn agony aunt? Yet that, my friends, is the role that’s been thrust upon me thanks to remarks made by the current Prime Minister with respect to aid to the CARICOM region. As a result of these utterances, which have been characterized by some as insensitive and by others as standard, if unfortunately phrased, humanitarian aid pragmatism, a cabal of Caribbean slacktivists has called for a boycott of Trinidad and Tobago goods.

Here’s a sampling of the kind of letters I’m receiving:

Dere Patos,

I fine Kamla remarkz were relly dotish and I relly want to boycut Trinidad and Tobago producks. Un4tuneately my cuntreez govment dusent offer free educashun an my family wuz too poor to sen me to skool, so I am funkshunally illiterate an it tek me owuz to reed labelz on producks in de soopermaket.

Cud u plz sen me pitchaz of Trinidad an Tobago producks so I cyan no wat I shuddunt be buyin?

Sinsearly,
Analphabetic in [name of country omitted]

—

Dear Patrick,

Long time no communicate. Sorry I didn’t call you after the election to commiserate, especially considering how close we became while you were in power, but you know how it goes.

Things are going well here at the Ministry of [name omitted], but naturally we’re up to our ears dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Tomas. I haven’t even had time for a good round of golf lately, and of course it’s too risky at this time of year to go out in my yacht.

Which, incidentally, is why I’m writing you. About those comments that selfish [string of expletives omitted] Kamla made the other day: what the [expletive omitted] is she trying to do to us here in [name of country omitted]? Doesn’t she realise that people here are suffering, and, more importantly, that the hardware chain I have majority shares in has several containerloads of construction materials that arrived only last week from Shanghai? How am I supposed to move this product if this [racial ephithets removed] woman insists we have to use Trinidad and Tobago products?

See what you can do, nah.

Regards,
Hon. [Name omitted]
Ministry of [name omitted]
[Name of country omitted]

—

Dear Patos,

You’re sort of a social media power user, right? Reason I ask is that sitting in my house in Petit Valley the other evening, just to be jokey, I set up a fake Facebook account under the guise of a Jamaican national and created a Facebook group calling for a boycott of Trinidad and Tobago products in the aftermath of Kamla’s comments about aid to CARICOM nations after Hurricane Tomas. As I was still dying of boredom after setting up the page, I decided to send the link to all my BBM contacts.

Having used a Far Side cartoon as a profile picture, I thought that people would have cottoned on to the non-seriousness of my effort, but it seems that Facebook users aren’t very discriminating where such things are concerned. People started taking the thing seriously: at the time of writing the page has been “liked” by 50,000 users and has garnered 145,000 comments, including some rather unsavoury and menacing ones from Jamaican gang leaders. The latest is that I’ve been invited to give the keynote speech at a rally in Spanish Town in support of the boycott.

What should I do? I fear that if I delete the page there’ll be serious repercussions, as some of the group members seem to have Facebook confused with real life. At least one member has gone on a hunger strike, vowing not to eat until Kamla apologises, and another claims to know my IP address and has threatened to expose me if I do anything to jeopardise the groundswell of support for the boycott.

Help!!

Yours,
Viral in the Valley