The Secret Blog of Patrick “Patos” Manning

Spent most of this morning fielding e-mails from the members of the ex-dictators Google Group, most of whom are royally pissed off with Baby Doc for not telling us he was going back to Haiti. As the other Caribbean ex-dictator in the group I’ve been sort of thrust into the role of mediator, though I can’t say I’m happy with his actions either.

Most of the grouses are of the dog-in-the-manger variety. Those among us who can’t go back to our countries without being arrested or shot on sight or spat upon in the street, are deeply envious of the way Baby Doc has waltzed into the country he raped and pillaged for 15 years and even had UN security and scores of supporters meet him at the airport. Jean Kambanda circulated this photo of a group of Duvalier supporters at the Port-au-Prince airport with a note saying “I hope that fucking doll conceals a bomb in its belly!” Kambanda’s comment was immediately shot down for violating list policy regarding incitements to violence and use of expletives.

“Jean-Claude is one of us, regardless of whether he acts like a snake in the grass,” wrote Charles Taylor with uncharacteristic eloquence. “I just hope he remembers to bring us all back souvenirs.”

“Souvenirs of what?” replied Manuel Noriega. “Cholera?” Everyone agreed Manny’s comment was in poor taste, but the man sort of had a point.

Imelda Marcos, who’s well known on the list for zeroing in on irrelevant details, then questioned whether a teddy bear could accurately be called a doll. Zine al-Abidine Ben Ali, who’s become one of the list’s most active members in spite of having joined only a few days ago, said it depended on what sort of eyes the bear had. I can tell he’s going to be a real asset to the group.

They’re a bunch of mean, nasty scoundrels and many of them have blood on their hands, but I wouldn’t trade my ex-dictator buddies for all the money in the Trinidad and Tobago treasury. At least not until they remove the gas subsidy.