The Secret Blog of Patrick “Patos” Manning

Had the strangest dream last night:

I’m sitting in my office at Whitehall, and there’s a knock on the door. “Come in,” I say. The door opens. It’s the Honourable Dr. Eric Williams, complete with dark glasses and hearing aid!

“May I enter, Patos?”

“Of course you may, Sir.” He enters the office and sits down.

“So, I see you have dismissed nine of your trusted soldiers.” [Read more →]

After spending most of yesterday fielding calls from sobbing MPs and irate teachers and parents complaining about the state of the schools, Hazel and I, in a rare moment of unanimity, both decided we would turn off our cell phones, unplug the land lines and try to get a good night’s sleep.

I woke up this morning, however, to 121 voice mails and text messages, 87 of them from Portia, saying things like “JLP trying fi tief we!” and “Dem gwaan haffi kill me before dem mek me concede!” I’ve had 32 more text messages from her since morning, the last being, “Dem now saying is 32-28! Me lose me will fi live!”

Just dispatched a congratulatory bouquet to Bruce Golding.

I’ve had better mornings. Was woken up again around 3am by a phone call from a sobbing Portia.

“Patos, Patos, me cyan sleep! What if me really lose the election??”

“God will provide, Porsh,” was the only thing I could think of saying. (Note to self: research Bruce Golding’s religious views).

“In the old days, me coulda fix this,” Portia sobbed, more than likely referring the last election, when her constituency of South West St. Andrew recorded a 105% voter turnout. “Put yourself in my place, Patos!”

I had no desire either to put myself or ever be in Portia’s place, and luckily a call waiting beep came through just at that point.

“Gotta run, Porsh!” I said, and hit the “switch” key, only to hear more sobbing on the other end of the line.

“Good heavens, Ken Valley, do you know what time it is???” [Read more →]

Another phone call early this morning. After yesterday’s dog episode, I thought it best to pick up. I also had a bone to pick with the guards, as I’d heard a rumour that over 25,000 people had played the “dog” mark in Play Whe on Saturday. It was obvious that word about the incident had got out.

But it wasn’t mansion security, it was Portia.

“Patos!”

“Oh Porsh, it’s you.”

“Who you thought it was?”

“I thought it might have been security. We had an, er, incident here yesterday morning. But you sound excited, Porsh. What happen? Has Golding fallen back in the polls?” [Read more →]

Somebody told me I looked stressed this morning at the Independence Day parade. “Like you didn’t read the papers this week or what???” I almost snapped back. But the Lord Jesus intervened just in time and instructed me to calm down. “That was just the glare in my eyes,” I said in my most measured tone, and mumbled something about having to go to Cuba for follow-up surgery. “Hmmph – well you better do that before Castro dead,” the person retorted. “You mean he should go before elections call,” said another farse individual in the vicinity, “while he could still pay for the surgery with taxpayers’ money!” Guffaws all around. Thankfully the pair soon got distracted by something else and moved away (the short attention span of the Trinidadian has its uses). I should also note that these people were members of my own party.

There were of course several reasons for the state of my brow (i.e. knitted) this morning. Foremost among them, however, was the phone call I received from Portia around 4am. I was still deep in slumber, of course, and it took me some time to realise that “Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam” was my cell phone ringtone and not the soundtrack to the dream I was in was in the middle of. [Read more →]

“Manbeater” just left another crazed-sounding comment and I have to admit that I’m now concerned not only for the security of this blog, but for my own personal safety as well.

I’d ask for my security detail to be beefed up, but then I’d have to explain about this blog and, in light of the Larry Craig scandal, I don’t think it would be wise to spread the word that I’m being hounded by somebody called “manbeater”. Besides, about half the security team have been seconded to Hazel’s decoration-making committee to help prepare for Friday’s festivities, so they’re probably all busy as we speak carting around potted palms and Doric columns made of styrofoam.

This afternoon I also came across this disturbing photo from Jamaica of balisiers being crushed by tree trunks (highly disappointed that Portia would allow the PNM symbol to be treated with such disregard). I’ve sent a printout to a friend to have it interpreted, but in the meantime I’m taking no chances.

There’s only one person, now, who can help me get a handle on the situation….

Hazel said the cruellest thing to me over lunch today. She said that “appointing André Monteil and Jerry Narace as Treasurer and Public Relations Officer [respectively] of your party is like hiring Jack Warner to sell tickets for your football match.”

It hasn’t been a good week. Apart from all the troubles keeping the blog secure, I’m now beginning to wonder whether Monteil and Narace and Sherman McNicolls might be in cahoots with the COP or the UNC. Even some of my Facebook friends are turning against me. All I need now is for a member of cabinet to pull a Larry Craig, and I’ll have to figure out a way of postponing elections till 2009. (Note to self: Find out from Portia how she managed to pull off that hurricane stunt).

Just off the phone with Portia. Called mainly to wish her success in the upcoming election and congratulate her on the unprecedented peacefulness of this year’s campaign season, but also for us to pray together. It’s a long time since we’ve done that.

I asked her if she thought it was okay if I prayed for something bad to happen to André Monteil. “Like ‘ow bad?” she asked. I said maybe not death, but perhaps a severe illness, or an accident. She said she she thought that was fine – those were no worse than some of the things she’s prayed would happen to Bruce Golding. Portia said God has told her personally that he makes special exceptions for things that are clearly in the national interest.